the loss

it was valentine's day.. had huge plans.. mama was coming to karachi that day.. went to the airport and got her.. then went to uni , got back.. and took a short nap to recharge myself for the crazy night ahead....was woken up by mama .. who had recieved a call from my uncle who had taken grandpa for dialysis at the dialysis centre... he had said taht grandpa wasnt feelign well...so he was taking grandpa to the ER of his hopsital.. she was going to se e him there.. I said I wanted to go too.. she told me to stay back.. and come in a while.
we had taken him to the ER on Sunday too.. stayed there the whole day .. he had been discharged after all the tests thatw ere conducted came out negative ahe was good to go home...
anyways at around maghrib ..I showered..dressed up..offered namaz.. and myself and my sister got int he car to leave for the hospital...when I had spoken to mamaearlier ..she said he had been not well...and I had this weird feeling .. unexplainable..I ignored that .. and put the key in ignition....and in seconds I was outside the gates...a neighbour, who has been in our neighbourhood for decades, was standing outside her gates, when she saw me go she called after me.. i stopped the car she walked upt o me ..and asked me how my grandpa was .. and where was he .. I told her that he was in the hospital.. she said she wanted to go ..so I said come along.. this lady is very religious..and I mean really religious..so I though it would be good to have her around ..she coyuld recite surahs for grandpa's health..
so we get to the hospital I park the car and we walk in.. and I see veryone gathered there..even my step uncles and aunts...and my uncles mngling with them which was a surprise becasue there was always war between them...as long as I remembered.. I says alam to all ..and walked into see grandpa ..he was in the critical unit..oxygen mask ..on his face.. he looked very anxious ..very agitated...his canula came out .. so I heldhis hand in mine...he was bleeding I held his hand tight ..then the male nurse came and fixed the canula...I came out and let other family memebers go and see him .. ad ntomany were allowed inside at one time...I was talkign to an aunt when she told me his blood had rubbed on my face..it must've been on my hnad and fromt here it rubbed onto my face I wipd that .. and strted to make all kinds of dua...then my step aunt comes out..and she comes to me and say s,,"daddy nahi bachengay ..daddy nahi bachengay" and I said "nahi ..aisay nahi kahay ..woh theek hojayegnay "
we waited for hours taking turns to go in and have alook at grandpa ...we used to call him "daddy"too...and then we were informed that he'd have to be shifted onto a ventilator temporarily cause he was having difficult breathing.. we consulted ou family doctrors and a few family friends who were doctors arrived at the hospital too.. they all d ecied it was the best option right now...I go in and the religious aunt is standing there reciting duas ..the doctors had drawn the curtains as they were shifting him onto the ventilator but i could still see from a little gap...they were doing the usual procedures when suddently the monitor went "teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" theat sound stiill haunts me.. and the doc pulled down the bed and almost got up on my grandpa's chest and started doing the cardiac massage ..I was shocked..my mind was goign" this can not be happening .. how can this happen...he was going to be okay...?"
I ran out formt he critical unit and into the aiting area where everyone was gathered..and i just started crying i was like"daddy ...ammi woh daddy "I wanted to tell them them abt the cardiac massage and I tried to explain it but they didnt understand .. but they still ran in ..and my mama stopped me because I was about to pass out.. she told me not to go in.. the docs told everyoen tog o out...and then it was the most horrible feeling waiting there.. knowing ...it was o bad..somethign I wouldnt wsh even for my worst of enemies.....we all stood crying...
then his pulse came back ....and we were all hopeful again...everyone calmed down.. docs said he 'd be fine...we thnked our Lord...but then, the pulse was gone again they had tried everythign to revive him..but nothing worked..and they delivered the news to us..
my grandpa was gone..he was no longer with us..how is that possible...no this cant be...this is a lie..this is a dream... but it wasnt it was all true.. we were all crying and screaming... outside ..mama was getting sick.. hI was so scared.. so scared..she is a heart patient .. and I didnt want anythign to happen o my mama.. I hugged her tight .. gave her water...i was so scared..my mama and me cying ..my litte sister crying...I ran up to my step dadi ..who my grandpa adored and gave her water .. we all hugged and cried..
then for my mom's sake i ran upto the car ... put my head on the streering wheel and cried....cried so much...took the car to the place where veryone was standing ..got my mama and sis my cousins who live with me in the car and drove back.. and I silently cried ..didnt make asound... only for my mama.. she sat next to me in the passenger seat ..I couldnt makeher cry more..I couldnt... we reached home.. there were people gathered there already ... I made my mama sit down got her a glass of water... and as I turned around to get my aunt a glass of wate r.. i just collapsed onto the floor..I didnt know wht happened..but I just went blank..and they then put me onto the bed ..splashed water onto me and then i regained consiousness,then I went and sat rigth near my mom's feet ...and every memory I had of my grandpa came back to me in flashbacks...I couldnt belive it.. It felt he had gone to america.. which we did every year ...but he always came back.. my mama told me later that I kept moving back and fro....and my mama tried to stop me ..but it wouldnt stop.. I dont really remmember that ...anyways my cousins took em into the ohter room.. where i sat silently in the corner...thinking , wishing it was all a bad dream.. when my cousin who I adore bina .. came with mama.. and they shook me .. screamed ..shouted .. saying cry mehwish .. cry mehwish .. cry...and then I pushed them away and I cried.. I miised him already .. I missed him so much.. I loved him so much ..never realised that not till thatd ay .. how much I really loved him.....
I was given an anti depressant to help me relax.. and I fell asleep after that...before that ..I called my dad..to inform him.. and he was already at the airport .. I said papa daddy passed away...and there was silence atthe other end and then he said inna lillahi winnlahay rajeeun..., I asked him when he'd get here.. he said im just about to get on the plane.. will be there in acouple of hours.... and then we hung up..but i was scared .. I wanted my dad to be with someone then..he was all broken down.. thank lord..my papa's friend Ayub uncle accompanied him on the trip .. I love him for that....
when i woke up the next mornign at arounf fajr.. I saw dad's suit carrier in the other room.. papa had come.. he had gone to see grandpa....I washed up.. prayed ..and then went downstairs to help with arrangemnets for the day ahead...papa came back.. he went up stairs.. I went after him.. he was standing in the corridor.. I looked at him ..and he looked at me.. andthen i ran up to him and hugged him,, real tight... my papa was crying .. a man was crying for his father... and a girl was crying cause her father was crying ....the embrace lasted for a long time and then we walked up to the living room where we all sat down and narrated the previous nights events to him... my grandpa had been calling my papa..just before he passed away... that made my dad cry .. he wanted to be with him..but destiny ....
whatever happened later cannot be explained in words.. it just cant .. cause no words could ever do justice to the way I felt... so I'll just keep silent now...
my grandpa was a great man ..
I miss him so much .. I miss the way I washed his face every morning .. check his blood glucose , gave him breakfast ,lunch ,dinner.. listen to his ghussa when he used to get angry ... listen to his jokes...his shair... every day .. for teh past so many years.....
May he rest in peace....
Ameen...