I lie confused in bed everyday at night..about what has happened ..what will happen..so many things to do,where to start,how to start,clueless....
I have changed .I longer am what I once was ,or what i once wanted to be..I had pride of everything I had..but it's all going, eveyrhting is going bit by bit and i sit here watching it all happen,cause we humans are helpless ,thereis nothing in our control nothing..it is all planned...
Death scared me ...a lot... but now it doesn't everyone has to die one day or the other ..,mama went early ,very early..i too will go but I just wish i could be half the person my mother was..I wish I could be a good person in the eyes of my Allah...be loved by everyone like my mpother was...
that day my 10 year old cousin sara, she came up to me and started crying she said mehwish baji ,you know that girl mahum said to my littler sister that my mum was gone forver and she was never coming back..and we both hugged and started crying ... i cried cause i felt what my little sister wouldve felt when thatgirl said that to her , i cried cause i saw how much that ten year old sara loved my mom..i cried cause i missed my mom...
Life is become so mechanical...there are no emotions.. we r just spending the time we are here...
I have to take care of my family, wht remains of i t ..i have to attend to their needs and that I am trying to do as much as I possibly can...
Everyone wants me to go to uni again...but it is hard... I miss my mum more whn i go there... they all want to me to finish my degree but its hard ..I wanna be an oncologist Insha Allah ..but whenever I'd help someone get cured of the disease I would always wonder why mymama didnt get well..people say your mum will be happy ...i know she will be ... but i want to see her ..feel her ...touch her .. when is that going to be possible...
I cry in secret ... Icry when I pray...I go on drives and cry ..go to graveyard and park the car outside and cry,only so my sister doesnt know what I am going through...she misses ammi more I know... she doesnt syamuch but I am trying very hard to keep her happyand busy so she doesnt feel sad a lot.. but who am I no one i could never fiill that place in her life,
I dont think people around me realize what has happened, maybe they will never know...the insensitivity with which people I calle dfriends left me is beyond me ,it made me wonder that do I not have any friennds...except one or two who stuck around ... wwho atleast asked me mehwish kaisi ho ????are all relationships ,,all friendships like this ?do they all bqack out ..or was I not good enough a person..good enough a friend... I think about it and I dont need em.. I dont need anyone..except my ALLAH ...and my immediate family...and the memories of my beloved mother ,they are enough to last me this life time..and i will devote myself completely to them. And in the Hereafter that is when i will realiz4e my dreams that I once had when my mama was here with me.
3 comments:
there are no true friends in this life. I once wanted to have friends because I never had any. Now I dont need anyone. We should never put trust in people who call themselves our friends.
No one will ever feel the way you feel about your mom's demise, no matter how close of a friend they are. They will not think about aunt yasmin at night even though they spent some part of their life with her. No one will, except you, your nani, nana and dad.
I am very happy that you have coped with this situation very bravely. I do not know what would I have done if I was in your place ... probably become a suicidal maniac, I am very weak. May Allah give my mom a healthy life and your mom a home close to Bibi Fatima in Jannah. We do not feel how real the Jannah is because we are unaware of its existence, only if we could see it then we would desire nothing but to die in the state of iman asap.
Regarding, Musharraf, I am against him because Allah is against him. I cannot see the haunting images of the tribal families staring at me and asking what I haev done for humanity. I dont know what to answer them. Their past life moves in front of my eyes like a monochromatic reel. I feel humbled but I also want to bring back Sharia and justice to the people those dead have left behind. pata nahein. its all black and white.
inshAllah, may you become a productive oncologist. We will work together in the lab to fight this disease by Allah's rehma, inshAllah.
OMAIR...
every word said is so true .. no one can understand . and I shouldnt even expect anyone to...
I feel vehshat , ajeeb si gabrahat some times... and that i shappening this very moment... that feeling crushes all the bravery that I am able to radiate ..it makes me give everything up and lose my sanity ,cuz if that happens I wouldn't feel anything ... and that would be good...
May Allah surely give you a mom a healthy life andmy mama a place in jannat... true we are unaware of its existence and it's bounties ...but wht about uswho have been left behind, how do we live...
I'm scared..worried.. very tired... and very very lonely ..i suffer from an incurable disease for which there is no remedybut I'm still fighting ...but I will eventually give up..when that will happen is still to be known... bus Allah mia saath rahay bus , aur kuch nahin chahiyaya ...
oncology ...insha Allah..
waisay we are musharraf supporters ..
inshAllah. what disease? email me.
yes ... those who are left behind, they search sweetness in remembering Allah. I am saying this as if I am a very noble person. No. But I think I understand and appreciate the sweetness of Allah's love because I lack it in myself and some minor eruptions do occur from time to time. As Sheik ul Islam Ibn Taymiyyah (rahimAllah) once said that "perfection of Tawheed is obtained only when nothing remains in ones heart except Allah." This means that Allah's love takes place of everything in our heart, even our love for parents is removed. This is the epitome of perfection. This is the state where I want to be. Every Muslim should want to be. Kher, may Allah help us reach there inshAllah.
Regarding Musharraf, you have your own opinions regarding him and I have my own reservations. I do not support anyone in the current political scene. Western-style democracy is a poison. We should get rid of it as soon as possible if we are to bring back the days of Amir ul Mumineen Umar bin Al Khattab (ra). I do not want to debate with you regarding Musharraf but I would like to know any one contribution that you think Musharraf has made to spread Islam in its pristine form to the world?
Ma Salam Mehwish and do email me regarding the problem.
Post a Comment