papa's friend is over from Islamabad, he is staying with us ,I made some sandwiches for him in the evening with tea, I served it to them with tea, biscuits and cake.doing everything by myself with no help...after they were done I cleaned up all the mess, washed the dishes , made the kitchen spotless...while I was at work, my aunt came into the kitchen, she pulled out a bowl filled it with milk and emptied the last of the coco balls into it , she took off with it and wen to my cuzn'sroom.(her daughter's)probably intending to give it to her ,then I heard her say :ammi doodhaur dalay kum hay" then the mother came out got the milk carton and emoties it into the bowl filling it to the top....then heading back into the room she handed it to her daughter and closed teh door behind her...
I was left alone in the kitchen..at that moment I felt so bad , I cant even tell you ...as if someone had hammered nails into my body,as I realized that no one EVER would do that for me...kabhi bhi nahin...no one gives a shit about me.. NO ONE...no one i sthere who genuinely cares... no one... no one came to help me in the kitchen , after I was done..I got out of the house and walked to my nani's house which is just across the street , and as I was walking I called out to "Ammi" ..."Ammi" ,,and i could feel that she replied and said "haan mera bacha"..and i could see her face, the face that she had when she would cry only cause I was crying ..,,,but she wasnt here, wasnt anywhere,...i looked around nothing..no one...only randow ppl going abt their business...
why did it happen.. wht is the point of keeping us around... I am not ungrateful my Lord... I am just mising my mom .. there are only two things that can be done...1...I die and go to my ami ,,2,ami comes back....the latter seemd difficult.,the former just fine...
pata nahin kiya kar rahee ho...kuch hosh nahin...acting nahin hoti ab ... koi mujhe galay laga kay rona do ... please koi to ronay do... mein bahut thak gayee houn.. itna kay koi nahin beyaan nahin karsakta...
12 comments:
Everyone has their problems. Some have more.
It is alright to miss people. It is not alright to get depressed over it. You miss people, and get sad, which is normal. Ruining your life for someone you dearly loved is not what they would have you do... if they could speak with you.
They are probably in heaven, getting worried that you are depressed because they left, and that you are passively suicidal.
People die. Your parents also had their parents die at some point. Did they kill themselves? Did they pass their grief onto you? They did not. So why do you?
And better talk with a therapist about those suicidal urges you are having...
Napalm...
it is not alright , that is the whole problem...no matter wht I do , how much I try , it is never alright...
somethng is always missng... something is always incomplete..always imperfect...
I love my God more then I hate being here like this... and thats is why suicidal urges always die down..
going to the therapist would categorize me as a "lunatic" and that is the last thing i want for myself and for my family...so I am trying to fight it alone with my God right by my side...
I suggested that it was alright to miss people. It is alright to get sad for a while. It makes your understanding of life that much deeper.
It is only your misunderstanding that tells you that the therapist would label you as lunatic. Labeling is the last thing a therapist would do. The therapist is only there to help you get over your loss.
Treatment for depression is possible.
NAPALM...
I am a doctor...and I am not joking, will graduate from med school in feb insha Allah...
and as far as the treatments go ... I know abt them already..counselling is the only area of therapy that does interest me, but then again, it is out of my league...it is never going to happen.. depression would wear off, if it is that, but wht I am going thru is incurable, no remedies exceot being able to see my mother again..
as far as the anti-depressents go , know all of them by heart, but i dont intent to succumb to them, because I know wht my father would feel like seeing his young daughter stuff down those pink pills every day, I'd rather have him think I am getting better, I am happy,I am alright,atleast that is wht I try to put across..
I am impossible I know..
yes its not alright, I hate it when people tell you its, I hate it more when I understand that logically they are right but their logic isnt mine, it doesnt make me feel better and for me that matters more then rationale and common sense. you are always going to miss her but this is also the point where I at least realised what it means when its said that 'main ne khuda ko apne iradon ke totne se jana'
I dont claim to understand it, or to accept it I am just resigned to it. god is merciful and i am sure there is soem maslehat in His actions, I cant see it but then maybe its not my place to see. I will just tell you what I tell my sis, Change what you can, accept what you cant for there is nothing else you can do. Last but not the least count your blessings, I am sure there are many and think of all those who have none. As a doctor myself I am witness to the fact that nowhere do you see human deprivation and suffering as much as in medicine. so Watch, live, laugh, learn, lose, cry, only to repeat the whole cycle again :)
BTW not that it has any relevance but I so totally totally DONT like Isb!!!!!! And no this has nothing to do with the post, its just me letting off steam :(
People, like napalm, have no right to tell you that it is alright. Maybe it is alright? Countless humans have died over the eons, maybe its alright cuz is our loss greater than theirs? probably not but then I think that it is not alright. We are not animals. We cannot lead a normal life after realizing that those due to whom we are not anymore ... at least humans cant. What is normal life? The life defined by this world for us? As the "Joker" says," the best way to live life is without any rules." I accept the rules of Allah but I reject the rules of this "world." Mehwish, you must do the same. If I know you even a lil bit, I know you wont commit suicide, inshAllah. Of course your mom would not have wanted you to end your life. But would she have wanted you to forget her after her death and starting leading a "normal" life? I doubt so.
Yes, I clearly feel how we try not to cry in front of siblings just cuz we dont wanna feel weak. Ironic isnt it? We cry when we are alone and not in front of anyone .... but are we ever alone? if we believe in Allah then of course not.
Your mom will never come back till the judgement day. Relish this wait, remember her, pray for her. But do no do those actions that might bring her punishment from Allah.
and I hope that your friend gets back in contact with you, you do need at least some one to share the chaos of universe.
Talk about being misunderstood...
It is alright to "MISS" people. However, it is not alright to get depressed over the loss. Any loss it may be.
Most of the time, people get depressed because of abusive parents, they've lost a loved one, lost their job, lost in love, etc. I know because I've been there. I have been depressed for so long, I can't remember, and am still not through with it yet.
I don't recommend fighting depression with drugs. They should be the last resort.
I read somewhere, and I believe that your thoughts set your moods. Forgive yourself. Do good for yourself. Treat yourself well. Do what you like doing best. You will see that it works and helps you feel better. Let it be anything from watching a movie to a walk in the park to bird-watching to going to your favorite places.
And you are not impossible. Forgive yourself if you think what you did was wrong. You will see that you will feel better immediately.
@ napalm: what is your defintion of "feeling better?" Some people actually feel better by becoming asocial, introvertive and secluded from the noise of life. If mehwish feels better by getting "depressed" for her mother's loss, then she must not be stopped.
@ Fragile Emptiness:
In my opinion "Feeling better" has to do with NOT being depressed, controlling your moods, enjoying life.
I must say that getting depressed is NOT alright. Most diseases don't kill. Depression is a disease that kills... through suicide.
If you're not sure, just ask any psychotherapist...
"most diseases dont kill?" thats a very wrong statement. Even flu can kill and be a pandemic. Influenza virus A has had its share of killing humans. Of course, I have felt "depressed" for the most part of life yet I did not committed suicide. Maybe my depression cannot be medically defined as depression. But it is very similar to what mehwish is feeling. Hence, it is safe. She knows herself better than us knowing her.
my $0.02.
Why the hell r v talking about killing and all!
the girl needs help...ok she needs us!
just b realistic ok!
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