EID MUBARAK...

been away for some time, returned to see that my last post sparked a debate on wht I was really going thru , and wht was better for me, read both the perspectives, both being substantial and both being a show of genuine concern, thank you , thank you very much ...



eid was very difficult, way too much , not only cause I had to do all the chores my mom was responsible for, but emotionally too was a set back, the families uniting, the laughs the happiness,however our eid was clouded with sadness and a memory.On chand raat I went to my papa's room, he was about to go to sleep, I just sat there and started crying, my father joined me, and we both cried for hours together making this chand raat a very rare one indeed. In the morning there were no sawaiyan, I had made kheer for my papa, he liked it , i liked that ...


the rest of the day was horrible...no sense of belonging, no one to care abt, nothing mattered , my eid clothes remained in my closet,and before I knew it the day was over...


the second day was the same..stream of relatives, everything normal in their lives...everything abnormal in our lives...my eid clothes still remained fast asleep in the closet...then came the third day...the nightmare continued....but the eid clothes finally made way out of the closet, and that too cuz of immense persuasion freom papa...looked dead,more like a zombie...then again, who really cared , who gave a damn...



sister is having exams, she is under a lot of unrequired pressure, and that is taking its toll on me... I am running all the time..i have to get that note from friend's, I have to get that photocopied, I need to get that book, I left that book at that friend's house...please get it...
and everytime I obliged... not saying one word... but today i was so tired of running around....she sent me to the same friend's house twice...as she had forgotten she needed a book, the first time I went... I kinda felt like an unpaid servant...so i said it to her..I told her that all of them were using me... she got really upset...I think I said something wrong....I shdnt have said it, it was wrong on my part to say it...how do i rdeem it... how do i make it right..
Im trying to be there for everyone ...do everything for everyone all the time...trying to make everything perfect all the time... and I end up being exhausted ,very exhausted...I manage to get only a couple of hours of sleep in a day and I am physically drained the whole time... but I keep pushing myself... and sometimes I get irritable ,irrational ,bitchy ... Im unable to maintain the poker face..I heard someone say somethi to me once,it was that you'd never be able to keep the people around you happy, if you are no thappy, at that tim eI thought nothing of it, but now I seem to understand what it meant ...



I have to complete my studies , get my degree,but I cannot make myself to even opne my books, people come and say "aur beta tum nay parhayee shuru ki " and I say " ji kar rahee ho " the same lie over and over again...maybe im not studying cause I have other issues on my mind, more important matters. Girls my age,are thinking abt boys , shadi, bachay , susraal, a profession, a graduation, a dress, churiyan, happiness,dreams, wht I think abt is, "now wht"...wht do we do now...wht do I do now..I sit and watch those horrible cooking shows, the treat for aunties, just so that I could learn to cook something that my father would hopefully enjoy..I think abt my dad, his loneliness...I quickly peak at him whenever there is an old couple around us,he gets sad, he is a broken man, I have never seen him in pieces,he is irrepairable, but I still keep trying, even though Iknow , it would never get better, nothing would ever be alright,we would never be mended...the torture is great, and our strengths minimum....we never know when we would finally succumb to it all...
my brother is coming bavck to karachi from england, for a week or two...when ammi was with us, she would get really excited,she would cross out the dates on her calender, waiting for the arrival of her son..her only son, I did kinda know she loved him the most because he is just like her,but I do remember asking my mom a week or two before she left us..."ammi who do you love the most and she had said I love you all equally,and hne I asked who do you love hora sa ziyada... and she had said "tum mehwish , tum meri achi wali beti ho"i still remember it ... aap meri achi wali ammi hay aur hamesha rahengi...
anyways back to bhai, ammi would prepare bhiryani for him,and do all sort of preparations, she would cry when she would see him ppear from the gates at the airport...I was just thinking ...he is goiung to feel so bad , when nothing of the sort would ever happen again...I love my brother a lot... May Allah give him sabr and all the happiness in the world...
the only reason why I havent lost it all...is probably cuz of the three ppl around me...my father, my brother aand my sister..they keep me going,half dead i still keep going...
Allah subhantallah is far above them all.. He holds me, loves me, takes care of me...